Life after divorce

"My private life was in ruins. The first few weeks and months are awful and you're incredibly vulnerable emotionally. Dealing with a break-up and picking up the pieces of your life is one of the most trying experiences." This is how Uma Thurman described her divorce with Ethan Hawke, her husband for five years.
We all enter matrimony expecting a lifetime of commitment and happiness.Yet somewhere down the line things get sour and the idea of a lifetime commitment becomes unbearable burden that needs to be shed. Divorce may or may not be mutual, but it is a difficult period for all who are involved in the process.
However, it need not always be a dirty or an ugly affair bringing out the worst in the couples. Though hard and painful, it helps all if the couple handles this event in their life with maturity, decency and strength.
Coping with divorce is easier said than done, yet you need to face it and deal with it. While you may feel that life and relationships no longer hold any meaning, you cannot allow your life to just waste away. Whether it was an affair or abuse or simple incompatibility that forced you to part ways, you still need to start all over again.
Uma recounts, "... you feel terrible that something important and valuable has come to an end"
Your heart and your mind will be in an emotional turmoil. Anger at your partner for leaving you in a lurch or at yourself for failing to keep the relationship going, guilt of either dumping your partner or a sense of having failed in your role as a husband or wife, fear of the future, grief for a dream gone sour, all these emotions and thoughts will crowd your mind and make you miserable.
Leading psychologist, Dr. Chugh warns, "One of the most prominent aspects of divorce is the person feeling a tremendous amount of self-doubt. One tends to question one's decision and some might even feel a lot of regret and remorse."
Helpless, confused and lonely you'll be plagued by thoughts - "Why it happened to you", "Where you went wrong.” The future may seem bleak and scary especially for spouses who have devoted their life to the marriage and family and don't know a life apart from that.
"No matter how miserable one's married life had been, he/she still gets used to it. It is now that the cumulative guilt, pain, and anger start to dawn upon the person. The question that most people in this situation are faced with is 'Now what?' This can be rather intimidating too. The entire situation could be quite overwhelming, making the person feel threatened and helpless," explains Dr. Chugh.
But what you need to realize is that these feelings and emotions are perfectly normal. Your world has just been turned upside down and such a reaction is expected. Disillusioned, you may want to shut the world out. But that’s a trap you should avoid falling into. While you need to give yourself time to get over the shock, understand where all those feelings are coming from, feel piteous about yourself and even pamper yourself, you should make sure that this does not last long. You need to snap out of it and take control of your life and all that is happening to you.
At such times it is important that you seek help from family and friends and if need be even professional help. Isolating yourself out of a feeling of shame or because you don't want to show your weak side may not be an intelligent decision. Talking to divorcees, joining self help groups can be of great help in tackling the situation.
Every individual has different ways of coping up with the tragedy. Men and women themselves, as Dr. Chugh tells us, tackle the issue of separation differently. "Men tend to take to drinking and increased smoking while women tend to spend a lot of time thinking about these things and crying. Workaholism also tends to be one way of coping for both men and women. Women, in many situations, are able to cope also because they are usually expressive and tend to talk about their feelings."
Talking about all your anger and pain helps you heal faster. There is no need to turn away or bottle up your feelings of anger and fear. One way of getting over your anger and fear is to write all your thoughts and emotions down and then burning the paper. Rather than ranting and raving at your partner and creating a ruckus in the courts, talking and writing about your problems helps you maintain your dignity and your senses. But seeking help from friends and family does not mean that you end up using them as crutches. They'll provide you with support, but you yourself need to rebuild your life.
Your ego may have been bruised, your self-esteem damaged, your belief in yourself and your abilities shattered. While you have to accept your share of responsibility in the failure of the marriage, do not crucify yourself by taking on the entire blame. Do not look upon yourself as a failure and allow your self-esteem to take a dip. You cannot allow this broken relationship to erode the good impression you have about yourself.
Instead try and gain an insight into what went wrong in the relationship. Once you understand where you might have gone wrong, it will help you to move towards healthier relationships in the future. You should finally let your feelings of anger and hurt be replaced by that forgiveness. If you hold your spouse responsible for the break-up, try and forgive him. Holding on to the anger and the sense of injury will make it difficult for you to move on. It will only make you bitter when you realize that she/he has moved on in life and started on a new relationship while you are still nursing your wounds.
You need to take stalk of the situation - children, finances, property and career - sort them out and get going.
"There's a sense of emptiness that has to be overcome, although in my case having children meant that I didn't have that much time to mope around the house," reveals Uma on how she coped with the separation. Children can be a great source of comfort during these trying times. But you need to ensure that they don't end up becoming the scapegoats in your battle.
Dr. Chugh advises, "The most important thing to do with the children is not keep them in the dark. Such times can be very scary for children and they usually tend to feel extremely insecure. Hence, the parents, individually, and if possible, together, must sit and talk to the children openly. Let them know what is happening right now and what might happen later."
No matter what their age, children will always be affected by their parent's divorce and separation. Custody battles, forcing the children to choose between one parent or the other, all this can have a negative impact on the children. Don’t let your children don't become your punching bag or your messengers. In some cases children may offer their shoulder and support, but you need to make sure that you do not end up becoming dependent on them. Avoid bad mouthing your ex before your children or acting unreasonable when it comes to visitation rights. Children need both their parents and if the parents can't stay together, children should not be deprived of the love of any one of them. "The parents must try and ensure that the child's world is disturbed as little as possible. Make sure that the child continues his routine as it was earlier," says Dr. Chugh.
As human beings most of us at some point or another do manage to get over the various tragedies in our life. But what matters is how we do it. Do we bury it deep somewhere in our hearts and remain scarred for life or do we face it, fight it and them move on.